Cogitate
by missmelon12
Summary: Later, she'll pretend this didn't happen. She'll pointedly avoid him, just as she's been avoiding Robin. But right now– Right now he's here, and he's holding her, and she doesn't think she can handle being alone with her tears. Follows 'Valuate'


**Author's Note: **_This story is written as a follow up to Valuate, so if you have not read that you will probably be confused. This all takes place after 'Humanity.'_

**oOo**

Artemis secludes herself in the library because, really, it's the best place to go to avoid the team. And she _is_avoiding them; she's not even going to try and deny that, at least not to herself. It's the collective fault of Robin and the events of their last mission, of knowing, now, that Red Tornado _isn't_the mole so what does that mean for her? For the rest of the team?****

And Robin still gives her pointed looks in school, no doubt recalling their conversation and – She's tried so hard to forget it ever even happened, only his mask is still in her room at the mountain, tucked away in the furthest corner of one of her drawers. And even if she can't see it she _knows_it's there, haunting her with the knowledge it gave her, rubbing it in her face.****

And he knows _everything_. And everything entails more than just the things she may one day be willing to actually tell the team. _Everything_also includes all of those things that _no one is ever to know._Ever.****

Everything includes her family and her past and the blood that she pretends never to have spilled.****

Everything includes her own dabbles in crime and the training and the tears and the blood and all of the hell that is, _was_, her life before her mother came back home and her dad left and she finally found the team and understood what it was like to have a _real_family and—****

She feels betrayed.****

Robin _knows_, and she can't _undo_his knowing, and he isn't going to just let her _forget_that he knows. This is a forever kind of deal and it _hurts_because this is _her _secret, not his, only now it's his secret as well, and now his is hers. She knows who he is, sits next to him in class, sometimes even at lunch and—****

Artemis draws in a breath and looks down at the book open across her lap. It's one she'd brought from home to read, only she isn't bothering to read it. She has it open to some page in the middle and she wearily eyes the dog-eared corner and wonders if it was she or her sister who had done it. And whether it was done as a place keeper or some kind of marker to remember this page by. She can't bring herself to even try reading the text to see what's happening on this page, doesn't want to relive the memories associated with this book.****

Not right now.****

There's movement nearby and she lifts her head in time to see Wally drop into the plush chair across from her. He grins and props his head in his hand.****

**"**Watcha doing?"****

Artemis gives him a cold look. "I'm sitting in a library with a book open in my lap. What does it _look_like I'm doing?"****

The grin falls from his face and he drags his legs into the chair, making himself comfortable. "Well, it _looks_like you're reading. But you haven't turned the page in half an hour, so either you're a _really _slow reader or you aren't actually reading."****

She lets her gaze drop down to the book and makes a point of turning the page, leaving the dog-ear in the corner for later. If she ever gets around to looking into it. "And you know this because? You haven't _actually_been watching me for the last half hour, have you?"****

He snorts. "Of course not. But I _have _been sitting at the desk over there doing my homework for the past hour." He jerks his thumb over his shoulder and she frowns. "You didn't even see me come in, did you?"****

**"**No." She doesn't look up from the book as she answers, hoping that maybe he'll take it as a sign that she really doesn't want to talk right now.****

But it's Wally she's talking to so, of course, he doesn't.****

**"**Something wrong, Artemis?"****

**"**_Yes_. And his name is Wally. Now _go away_."****

Wally leans back in the chair and holds his hands up defensively. "Hey! I'm just trying to be nice, here. But—"****

**"**Why?" She finally looks up from the book, meeting his eyes.****

**"**Wha—"****

**"**Why the hell do you care anyway," Artemis asks. She slams her book closed, narrowing her eyes. "Why do you care if there's something wrong or not?"****

**"**I—" Wally hesitates, seemingly at a loss for words. "Well, I mean – Listen, you've been kind of – I don't know. You haven't been acting like yourself lately."****

Artemis is full on glaring at him now, the corners of her mouth turned down in a slight frown. "And what's that supposed to mean?"****

He shrugs, slouching back into the chair. "You've been avoiding the team. You don't come around the mountain much unless we have missions or training. You've been avoiding eye contact with everyone. You don't talk to any of us as much." He rattles off the list without pause, eyes glued to her. "I don't think I've seen you speak a _word_to Robin in weeks."****

She tenses in her seat, her frown only deepening and her anger flaring. And Wally, who is forever perceptive only when she least wants him to be, notices.****

**"**Are you two fighting or something? Is that it?"****

**"**_No!_**" **she snaps, slamming a hand down on her book. "We aren't _fighting_, okay? I just – I haven't been – I don't know, okay?"****

**"**Are you on your—" Wally puts on a serious expression during the pause, eyeing her suspiciously and lowering his voice for the final word. "_Period._Is that it?"****

She throws the book at him, full out _chucks_it at his head with all of the force she can muster from her position. It clips him right in the side of the forehead and he swears loudly, colourfully, hands flying up to clutch at his face. She'd be impressed with his use of language if she wasn't so mad.****

**"**The hell'd you do that for?" He drags his hands down to look at them, frowning. "Am I – am I _bleeding?_I'm not bleeding, am I?" He looks at her, inclining his head just so to better reveal the mark left behind by the book.****

She gives it a brief look, satisfied with her throw and the resulting bruise that's forming, before standing up to leave. And as she heads for the door she holds out some hope that she'll make it out of the room without any further interaction with Kid _Stupid_. Only, the world _hates_her; that's the only answer here, because she's halfway to the door when Wally speaks again.****

**"**Who is Jade?"****

She grinds to a halt, breath catching in her throat. Thoughts she's tried to push away all week resurface and she chokes in a deep breath because – Maybe he knows, maybe Robin told him.****

Only – Robin– He _promised_.****

She can feel tears prick at the corners of her eyes as she spins to face him.****

**"**How do you know that name?" Her voice cracks even as she says it and she swallows thickly, trying so, so hard to keep her cool. She can't lose it now. Not in front of _Wally._****

He frowns at her expression. "Are you – Are you all right?"****

She ignores him. "How the _hell _do you know that name?" Her voice is steadier this time, louder and angrier.****

Wally shuffles and holds up the book that she hadn't even realized she'd left laying on the floor. "I figured this was your book, only—" He flips open the cover and jabs his finger at the page. "There's a message in here to someone named 'Jade.'"****

Her eyes are wide and she can't stop the horrified look that crosses her face as she steps forward to snatch the book away. And she's so, so angry, not at him but at herself. She's better than this. She's supposed to be _good _at keeping herself in check and here she is—****

**"**Artemis?"****

She lifts her head to meet his eyes and tightens her grip on the book.****

**"**Jade was my sister," she tells him. And, of course, the 'was' doesn't go unnoticed.****

His eyes are wide now and he takes a nervous step back. "O-oh, I'm – I'm sorry, I didn't—"****

Artemis drops her gaze to the cover of the book. It's _Alice in Wonderland_, her favorite. Her sister's favorite. And she suddenly wants so badly to tell Wally everything about this book, the stories of her childhood that are connected to it. About how her parents gave it to her sister, how Jade used to read it to her when their parents argued so loudly in the other room that she couldn't sleep.****

How Jade gave it to her the day she ran off and her initial confusion as to why her sister wanted to her to have it. About her sudden understanding as she watched her sister climb out of the window later that night.****

Her past is a heavy weight on her chest and she wants so badly to tell somebody. She recalls Robin's words earlier that week and she squeezes her eyes closed as if it might somehow make them stop ringing in her ears.****

No more secrets.****

And he'd _trusted_her with his own secret. She knows who he is and she can't even think of a better way for someone like him to show that he trusts her.****

And this is how she's repaying him. By continuing to keep her own secrets, even if they can potentially put the team in danger.****

She doesn't deserve this team. She doesn't deserve any of this.****

**"**Artemis? Are you—"****

She snaps her head up to meet Wally's surprised eyes, realizing too late that the tears gathering in her eyes are making their way down her face.****

**"**O-oh _geez_, Artemis, I – I didn't mean to – Don't—" His eyes widen in shock and he shuffles forward. "Don't _cry_." ****

His expression is _priceless_and if she weren't so busy trying to stop the tears she would find his panicked face amusing, something to definitely file away to tease him about later.****

His hand comes up to rest on her shoulder and he squeezes it awkwardly in some weak gesture of comfort. The tears are falling faster and she's full on crying now, her shoulder trembling, her fingers curled around the book in her hands as if it's suddenly become her lifeline. She squeezes her eyes closed and clutches it to her chest.****

When she finally opens them, unable to compose herself or stifle the sobs, it's to his eyes, staring straight into her own, and there's something akin to understanding there. And, for a moment, she doesn't even care that she's crying in front of him. It doesn't matter, because he isn't going to judge her, or think any less of her, and that's really something she needs right now.****

The hand on her shoulder drops and she's suddenly pulled forward and into a hug. She doesn't fight it, just buries her face in his shoulder and _cries_.****

Later, she'll pretend this didn't happen. She'll pointedly avoid him, just as she's been avoiding Robin. But right now– Right now he's here, and he's holding her, and she doesn't think she can handle being alone with her tears. So she is content, despite the awkwardness, to just stay in his arms and get the tears out. And everything that's been building up these past few weeks, all of her fears and uncertainties– she lets it all out until the tears won't come anymore.****

And Wally stands patiently, arms around her, the book she's still clinging to digging into his chest in a way that can't be comfortable, and doesn't say a word.****

And she is completely okay with that, because it's the best kind of comfort he can give her right now.


End file.
